Today I am broken


So today I am photographing something I have never done before and I am seriously shot to bits already! So far there have been tears, full fat caffeine coffee, nerves and I’m in serious need of a cuddle as my sons are away on holiday at the moment.

My dear friend’s baby was born sleeping at full term recently and today I am due to take a few photos at baby Ella’s funeral. Rain is also due at some point and there is no need to dampen the day further in my book.

Today, I am broken as my emotions are not for me, they are for my beautiful friend and her partner who lost baby Ella, something so precious and that alone is killing me. I have 3 beautiful children and cannot imagine the pain and emotional roller coaster they must be on at the moment. I feel helpless, angry and so very sad.

I’m quite a hard bitch emotionally if the truth be known. My life choices over the past few years have conditioned me to easily emotionally remove myself from any situation without any outside observation. Hmmmm that makes me sound a bit crazy so let me try to explain! What I mean is shooting all day weddings for beautiful, happy people when there was nothing I could do to stop my own marriage breaking down, still being a normal happy mum despite having the pressures of running my businesses and most importantly and the most difficult for me, having to let my eldest son go and live with his father when he was 13 … hopefully that gives you a flavour.

So today, is not about ‘smashing it’ or doing a good job, this about capturing something so precious and important for my friends. Work can go fuck itself wait and I will be having a drink tonight.

Here’s the link to baby Ella’s memory page if you’d like to support her parent’s wish of raising funds for The Willow Room at Haywards Heath hospital.

I love you Ems and I promise I will do you, Pete and baby Ella proud.



Ella’s service was beautiful. Attended by close family and friends, her father Pete carrying her tiny coffin into the chapel and making the most heartfelt speech before it was time to say goodbye to Ella.

I cried behind my viewfinder and snapped when I felt it appropriate. After the service, I was allowed back into the chapel to take some photos of Ella’s coffin and her flowers as her parents had wanted these photos especially.

Here’s the image that says it all for me …


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *